Archive for ‘Uncategorized’

July 15, 2008

I need to read more…

How many times have I addressed this issue? Really, how many? I can’t tally it up because I’ve lost almost all ability to read, write and speak the English language—my native tongue. I articulate my thoughts much clearer when I speak drunken Spanish, and that primarily consists of colors, curse words and the occasional grunt or lip smack(???).

In my current situation I am limited to reading the ESPN ticker at the bottom of the screen or instant messaging at work. So when the opportunity to talk presents itself, I start my wind-up by opening my mouth, letting the saliva drip and then hurling a group of five words maximum in no clear direction.

Talk about a dilemma. I’m genuinely worried. After all, I’m a somewhat accomplished college graduate with a degree in advertising and a background in sports journalism. But that’s left me about as fast as A-Rod ditched his marriage for a shot at the Material Girl. How did I know about that? Well, I have no problem hearing, or it might have been scrolling in the ticker.

So how do I solve this problem? My first idea is to just say, “Screw English!” (with as little drooling as possible) and learn Spanish—my mother’s native tongue, which seems to be fading after watching years of The Bachelor and Barbara Walters.

But since Rosetta Stone is so damn expensive, I think I’m gonna start simple. Fortune cookies, lottery tickets, bus passes, business cards, and eventually escort service fliers. Maybe one day I can read the Nickel Ads, or Highlights magazine. Eventually I’ll be able to put my name on a waiting list, write in a greeting card, or form a complete sentence.

I have to start now, before my ability to communicate vacates me. So…..duhhhhhh…..

April 22, 2008

Naked mole-rat resembles a naked something-else.

This little guy was the subject of a joke that my cousin’s wife forwarded to me. And yes it was a crude joke about how the naked mole-rat of Africa look like a you-know-what with buck teeth. So of course, I laughed so hard from this one photo that I had to find other pictures to continue my laughter. I also found a very interesting article about the curiously long lifespan of the naked mole-rat species.

March 30, 2008

Productive distractions


I feel like I’ve been so preoccupied lately that I haven’t been able to focus on thing like socializing or maintaining my online presence (just through this blog, no online dating sites). So what have I been doing? Lots, of things, and not a lot of partying. Aside from a recent trip to Sun River and a night at Blitz, I’ve been nice to my liver.Andy and Sarah recruited me for their indoor soccer league—something I’ve never done—meaning that I’ve never been recruited for anything nor have I ever played indoor. So far it’s been a blast, and it’s really raised the heartbeat to levels it hasn’t reached in a while. I’ve been able to revisit my days of goalkeeping, but I’ve also rotated all over the field. I even recorded my first goal last weekend, granted I was wide open and only five feet from the goal.

With spring coming, there are also kickball and softball seasons on the horizon. I haven’t even mentioned that I’ve been going to the gym every now and them, but it hasn’t been very frequently. I think my biceps are still 3″ in circumference.

Then there’s baseball season, which, to me, started today. I’m managing three fantasy teams and closely following two my favorite pro teams, the Dodgers and the Mariners. I also anticipate going to quite a few Portland Beavers games, and maybe even watching a couple of my cousin’s tee ball games.

For now I’m going to put my March Madness bracket in this group of distractions because I think I can still finish in the money since I picked three out of the final four and my winner (UCLA) and my runner-up (North Carolina) are still in it. That could mean a nice little payout for yours truly. If so, you can guarantee there’ll be a blog entry about it.

September 26, 2007

Mikey Does Helens!


Tomorrow Mike is venturing off to the danger zone. He’s going to conquer Mount St. Helens. Wearing a helmet is recommended, but who needs to protect your head when you two-day old iPhone provides superior peace of mind? Ascending 4,500ft in five miles is a walk in the park, but try doing that and searching for the helicopter evacuation emergency phone number at the same time. That takes skill. Have fun dude, and don’t wake up the old lady.

September 12, 2007

I’m stumped.

WordPress offers its users tools to help them track the traffic of their blogs. One thing it shows is the search engine terms people use that result in your blog popping up.

Apparently my The 9th Month entry was the bait. Yesterday someone pulled up my blog by asking “why is september called the 9th month?”

I’m speechless. According to Mike (and Wikipedia), September was the 7th month in the Roman calendar (suck it Trebek!). That just gave stupidity a few style points.

August 28, 2007

Clarification: The money situation

My previous post made it sound like I laid down a lot of cash on that computer. The fact is, yes, the iMac was a fairly large purchase…maybe one of my largest. It’s probably right up there with my second car and that signed replica of Brandi Chastain’s sports bra.

Anyway, the sole purpose of this post is not to tell you about my extremely valuable assets. It is here to make it known that I can still afford a low-cost lady friend. Only now we can take scandalous pics with Photobooth and then I can melt her heart and ears with an instrumental song I composed on Garageband. I’m set.

August 23, 2007



The Runs nearly shut out ACME Scenic had it not been for an error in left-center field made by yours truly. My bid for Rookie of the Year is now in serious jeopardy.

I could blame it on the twilight sky, or the fact that I had to play firstbase during warmups, or the fact that I usually play right-center, or the fictional gust of wind that Brandon tried to cheer me up with.

The fact is I misjudged the ball, it fell just out of my reach and those runs scored because of my mistake. A slowpitch softball golden glove might have to wait a year.

Photo: Bill Buckner.

August 21, 2007

it’s everywhere

I just realized that one of our clients is Peachtree Settlement Funding and one of the lines in the Steve Miller Band song “The Joker” is “I really love yor peaches, wanna shake your tree.”


August 19, 2007

a “wave goodbye” weekend

This weekend I had to say “goodbye” to a couple things that have played huge parts in my life for several years. One of them is gone forever, but the other will be back.

The first was my lovely sister, who at the age of 20 thought it would be the right time to get away and return to our native California for a term of schooling. Her biggest motivators for going down: her best friend, family and the Bible. Of course mine would be the weather, In-N-Out Burger and the L.A. Dodgers (even though they have fallen out of the playoff race).

I also parted with my beautiful car.  My 1996 VW Jetta GLX VR6 that I called Guadalupe sold for a lousy $1,500. I couldn’t expect to get much more for a problematic German car with 160,000 miles and a sticky transmission. Hopefully I’ll be able to get a new one soon and someday restore one just like Guadalupe.


Until any of that happens I’ll be driving my sister’s baby while she’s away (above). I don’t know what she calls it, but it’s a 1971 Karmann Ghia coupe. It’s gonna take a few days to get used to it. I’d say it’s probably like wearing a pair of designer jeans. They look good, they feel cool, but things get a little cramped inside.

To cap off my weekend of losses, the LCD screen on my digital camera broke when I accidently dropped it. The good news is that it has a viewfinder and it still takes photos.