I need to read more…

How many times have I addressed this issue? Really, how many? I can’t tally it up because I’ve lost almost all ability to read, write and speak the English language—my native tongue. I articulate my thoughts much clearer when I speak drunken Spanish, and that primarily consists of colors, curse words and the occasional grunt or lip smack(???).

In my current situation I am limited to reading the ESPN ticker at the bottom of the screen or instant messaging at work. So when the opportunity to talk presents itself, I start my wind-up by opening my mouth, letting the saliva drip and then hurling a group of five words maximum in no clear direction.

Talk about a dilemma. I’m genuinely worried. After all, I’m a somewhat accomplished college graduate with a degree in advertising and a background in sports journalism. But that’s left me about as fast as A-Rod ditched his marriage for a shot at the Material Girl. How did I know about that? Well, I have no problem hearing, or it might have been scrolling in the ticker.

So how do I solve this problem? My first idea is to just say, “Screw English!” (with as little drooling as possible) and learn Spanish—my mother’s native tongue, which seems to be fading after watching years of The Bachelor and Barbara Walters.

But since Rosetta Stone is so damn expensive, I think I’m gonna start simple. Fortune cookies, lottery tickets, bus passes, business cards, and eventually escort service fliers. Maybe one day I can read the Nickel Ads, or Highlights magazine. Eventually I’ll be able to put my name on a waiting list, write in a greeting card, or form a complete sentence.

I have to start now, before my ability to communicate vacates me. So…..duhhhhhh…..

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