Archive for August, 2007

August 30, 2007

Steve rules

If any of you have been following the ongoing saga that is the Yankee’s pitching staff then you’ve heard of their husky heart-throb Joba Chamberlain. The guy can apparently break into triple digits with his fastball. I doubt he learned that from Mike Mussina. Since Chamberlain is seen as savior for the their pitching woes, the Steinbrenner’s had implemented restrictions for this guy, know as the Joba Rules. The commandments went something like this:

He cannot pitch on consecutive days. So if he pitches one inning, he gets one day of rest. If he pitches two innings, he gets two days or rest.

With that, I have developed my own rules to preserve my quality of life:

1. I cannot eat leftovers the day after consuming the original meal unless it is pizza. However, heating up leftovers later the same night is acceptable, but only to prepare for a “fun night.” This is to protect my taste buds and my appetite.

2. I cannot read more than one chapter of a book in one sitting. This is to protect my eyes and to sustain appropriate fun levels.

3. A Miller Brewing Company product must be in my refrigerator at all times to keep the family business going. This is to keep my liver occupied.

4. I am allowed to sleep in until at least 11am on the weekends if I choose to. This is to preserve my laziness.

5. There should always be at least two functioning television sets within a 50-foot radius of where I’m at. Because TV is brain food.

This list may be amended at any time depending on how it affects my performance.

August 28, 2007

Clarification: The money situation

My previous post made it sound like I laid down a lot of cash on that computer. The fact is, yes, the iMac was a fairly large purchase…maybe one of my largest. It’s probably right up there with my second car and that signed replica of Brandi Chastain’s sports bra.

Anyway, the sole purpose of this post is not to tell you about my extremely valuable assets. It is here to make it known that I can still afford a low-cost lady friend. Only now we can take scandalous pics with Photobooth and then I can melt her heart and ears with an instrumental song I composed on Garageband. I’m set.

August 28, 2007

From me to me. From good to gooder.


One week ago I purchased a lovely new 20″ Apple iMac just like the one above. It exhausted 80% of the money I made from the sale of my Jetta. So that means this lovely, new piece of metal should be able to produce about 135 horsepower and reach 0-60 mph in nine seconds if I were to just slap on four wheels. I doubt it. But it can do some pretty amazing things, such as display the current song playing on iTunes to all my buddies while we’re chatting. Thankfully it doesn’t display what I’m checking out on the web…like the location of the nearest church so that I can confess my sins.

This thing, which I named Granny Smith, can do almost anything I would ever need a computer to do, especially at this stage in my life. I’m no longer a student, I was never a party planner and I’ll never be a rocket scientist. So I don’t need to run a word processor, or a complex greeting card and invitation maker, or any sort of extreme jet propulsion formula generator. All I need is something I can surf the Net on, play some music, edit some pictures and contract carpal tunnel syndrome from.

I had been doing all my computing from PC’s at work or at home. And even though the results were acceptable and the product was satisfactory, just think about how good they’re going to be coming from this work of art. It’s gonna be like when John Lennon discovered those loco-crazy substances.

August 24, 2007

Guess What…

My new phrase. “Guess what….” I just noticed I’ve been saying that a lot lately. But guess what, it hasn’t got old yet. Guess what, it might even be catching on. My new friend Jillian pointed it out last night, and then she started saying it. Guess what, it’s a very contagious line.

I think it spawned from watching the “More Cowbell” skit very recently where Bruce Dickens (Christopher Walken) says “Guess what! I got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell!”

August 23, 2007



The Runs nearly shut out ACME Scenic had it not been for an error in left-center field made by yours truly. My bid for Rookie of the Year is now in serious jeopardy.

I could blame it on the twilight sky, or the fact that I had to play firstbase during warmups, or the fact that I usually play right-center, or the fictional gust of wind that Brandon tried to cheer me up with.

The fact is I misjudged the ball, it fell just out of my reach and those runs scored because of my mistake. A slowpitch softball golden glove might have to wait a year.

Photo: Bill Buckner.

August 22, 2007

worse than a mullet


This morning I noticed my mexi-stache stubble was becoming a strong contender as the focal point of my face (I think my streamline eyebrows are still the dominant facial feature). Unhappy with the obstruction on my upper lip I shaved it, but just the ‘stache–I left the rest of my two-day shadow alone.

That’s right, I don’t really get a “five o’clock shadow.” It takes a few days before my face darkens, and even then it’s patchy, but I save on razors. Now I’m noticing that it’s coming in thicker, and I can only hypothesize that that’s because I’m paying bills on my own…or in other words I’m getting older. I’ve also been riding the bus more, and a lot of the passengers are hairy, so that could be rubbing off.

So is the mustache coming back? The only people than can pull it off seem to be the men who have sported one for 20+ years. My uncle, Cody’s dad, Tom Selleck, Rosie O’Donnell. They can pull it off. But recently I’ve been noticing a string of creepy bartenders trying to rock the fuzzy handlebars, and that’s just not right IMO. Leave it to the pros, gentlemen.

Photo: The king of mexi-staches, NBA player Adam Morrison.

August 21, 2007

it’s everywhere

I just realized that one of our clients is Peachtree Settlement Funding and one of the lines in the Steve Miller Band song “The Joker” is “I really love yor peaches, wanna shake your tree.”


August 20, 2007

rain rain go away

If this city ever gets another professional sports team it should be called The Portland Rain. That’d be way better than The Portland Roses, and it would probably beat out The Portland MicroBrews since there is already the Milwaukee Brewers.

It’s mid-August and it’s raining in Portland. This is supposed to be the hottest and driest month in Oregon (That’s based on experience. I’m no meteorologist, but it would be cool to befriend one, or date one of those cute weathergirls…I’ve always had a thing for Rhonda Shelby, and I know I’m not alone.). I’m supposed to look like KFC extra crispy chicken, but no, I don’t even look like original recipe–I look like a biscuit smothered in country gravy. 

I’m always disappointed because when it rains I’m never in a situation like those couples in the movies that just make out and get soaked and twirl around and don’t even think about how sick they could get or how many towels they’re going to need to dry off. And then what are they gonna do when they need to take a shower? All their towels are gonna be damp. Maybe I don’t want to be them after all, because I can’t dry off with a dampened towel.

This stream of consciousness segment was brought to you by dry bath towels.

August 19, 2007

a “wave goodbye” weekend

This weekend I had to say “goodbye” to a couple things that have played huge parts in my life for several years. One of them is gone forever, but the other will be back.

The first was my lovely sister, who at the age of 20 thought it would be the right time to get away and return to our native California for a term of schooling. Her biggest motivators for going down: her best friend, family and the Bible. Of course mine would be the weather, In-N-Out Burger and the L.A. Dodgers (even though they have fallen out of the playoff race).

I also parted with my beautiful car.  My 1996 VW Jetta GLX VR6 that I called Guadalupe sold for a lousy $1,500. I couldn’t expect to get much more for a problematic German car with 160,000 miles and a sticky transmission. Hopefully I’ll be able to get a new one soon and someday restore one just like Guadalupe.


Until any of that happens I’ll be driving my sister’s baby while she’s away (above). I don’t know what she calls it, but it’s a 1971 Karmann Ghia coupe. It’s gonna take a few days to get used to it. I’d say it’s probably like wearing a pair of designer jeans. They look good, they feel cool, but things get a little cramped inside.

To cap off my weekend of losses, the LCD screen on my digital camera broke when I accidently dropped it. The good news is that it has a viewfinder and it still takes photos.

August 16, 2007

Ad Crush: Skittles


It’s been a while since I’ve had an ad crush, so I figured it was about time I get back out there and rebound. There were those brief flings with the latest and greatest Sportscenter commercials, but nothing serious. Luckily, Adrants led me to this spot for Skittles.

I haven’t cared for the other Skittles commercials, and I don’t really think this presents a positive image for the brand, but you have to take it likely and you have to appreciate the idea and the entertainment factor. For some reason this commercial reminds be of the old SNL skit where Christopher Walken (my hero) plays Ed Glosser: Trivial Psychic.