July 15, 2008

I need to read more…

How many times have I addressed this issue? Really, how many? I can’t tally it up because I’ve lost almost all ability to read, write and speak the English language—my native tongue. I articulate my thoughts much clearer when I speak drunken Spanish, and that primarily consists of colors, curse words and the occasional grunt or lip smack(???).

In my current situation I am limited to reading the ESPN ticker at the bottom of the screen or instant messaging at work. So when the opportunity to talk presents itself, I start my wind-up by opening my mouth, letting the saliva drip and then hurling a group of five words maximum in no clear direction.

Talk about a dilemma. I’m genuinely worried. After all, I’m a somewhat accomplished college graduate with a degree in advertising and a background in sports journalism. But that’s left me about as fast as A-Rod ditched his marriage for a shot at the Material Girl. How did I know about that? Well, I have no problem hearing, or it might have been scrolling in the ticker.

So how do I solve this problem? My first idea is to just say, “Screw English!” (with as little drooling as possible) and learn Spanish—my mother’s native tongue, which seems to be fading after watching years of The Bachelor and Barbara Walters.

But since Rosetta Stone is so damn expensive, I think I’m gonna start simple. Fortune cookies, lottery tickets, bus passes, business cards, and eventually escort service fliers. Maybe one day I can read the Nickel Ads, or Highlights magazine. Eventually I’ll be able to put my name on a waiting list, write in a greeting card, or form a complete sentence.

I have to start now, before my ability to communicate vacates me. So…..duhhhhhh…..

June 2, 2008

Tuned in: One eskimO on Passport Approved

I got my first taste of One eskimO on my drive home yesterday. They were featured on Passport Approved, a syndicated radio program that features emerging international bands that have yet to receive much recognition stateside.

One eskimO reminds me of the Gorillaz in that each band member is portrayed as an animated character. I’m hoping these guys get more exposure and grace a few more ears. They’ve really delighted mine so far. And if that’s not enough, their music video for “Hometime” will stimulate your eyes. Take a look:

May 18, 2008

Unproductive “Wii”kends

So two weeks ago these two Japanese men randomly knocked on our door and in their thick accents they demanded that we play Wii with them. Despite their unashamed creepiness, Cody and I would both desperate and bored enough to accept their offer. I yanked the remote out of Yoshi’s hands while Cody hooked the system up to my 20″ Apex television.

We proceeded to dominate them in doubles tennis and Mario Kart. So far, I have nothing but good things to report. No abnormally large blisters on my thumbs, and only a small amount of soreness in the elbow. But what I’m most proud of so far is the 270 I bowled this morning. Put that on the board. I don’t see that score being beat for at least three days, and depending on how much time I invest, I could achieve a 300 game by the end of the month. Then, you’ll be seeing me on MTV’s second edition of TrueLife: I’m a gamer.

(This is a re-creation of what Cody and I look like playing Wii. I’m in the back.)

May 18, 2008

Life Father, Like…Oh My God!!!

Last week, Montastic’s gift to the world (or me, one of her many dedicated readers) was ManBabies.com, so of course I must pass it on to you (many of which are the same readers).

In case you’re hesitant, here’s a preview:

April 26, 2008

Unnecessary Censorship of Elmo


This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in quite some time. I saw it while watching an episode of Lost online. It’s part of a promo for the Jimmy Kimmel Show, which features a segment titled “Unnecessary Censorship.” They often feature scenes from Sesame Street, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Barney & Friends, Blues Clues and others. I hope you enjoy it, and if you’ve got some time to kill, watch the others that have been archived on , href=”http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=unnecessary+censorship&search_type=”>YouTube.

April 22, 2008

Naked mole-rat resembles a naked something-else.

This little guy was the subject of a joke that my cousin’s wife forwarded to me. And yes it was a crude joke about how the naked mole-rat of Africa look like a you-know-what with buck teeth. So of course, I laughed so hard from this one photo that I had to find other pictures to continue my laughter. I also found a very interesting article about the curiously long lifespan of the naked mole-rat species.

April 8, 2008

The picture box is the devil.

Tonight I found myself flipping between Hell’s Kitchen and Reaper. Lately I’ve been eating dinner on the couch, in front of the TV watching either sports (NCAA basketball and MLB baseball) or artsy shows (Dancing With The Stars and American Idol). It could be worse. I could be watching Flavor of Love or The Hills or Moment of Truth.

But take another look at the two shows I caught myself watching. That’s a bad theme. Neither show was on channel 6 or 66…thank heavens! So could this be a sign? Is someone or something trying to tell me that I’m watch too much TV? Am I getting sucked in to the temptation of the airwaves? Are they giving me a false, but hollow sense of pleasure?

Yes, and that someone or something that’s pointing this out is my own brain. It’s suffocating inside my head because it lacks educational and creative stimulation. Maybe that’s why I went to Borders today to look at Spanish dictionaries and tutorials (I won a $25 gift card on concert t-shirt spirit day). But it doesn’t stop there. I also got myself into Sudoku puzzles after seeing someone on the bus working on one…and guess what, I solved a couple!

On the weekends I’m trying to stay active, but on the weekdays I just get home from work and lay on the couch until it’s time to lay in bed. That needs to change, and it starts with boycotting that cube of doom in my living room.

March 30, 2008

Productive distractions

distracted.jpg

I feel like I’ve been so preoccupied lately that I haven’t been able to focus on thing like socializing or maintaining my online presence (just through this blog, no online dating sites). So what have I been doing? Lots, of things, and not a lot of partying. Aside from a recent trip to Sun River and a night at Blitz, I’ve been nice to my liver.Andy and Sarah recruited me for their indoor soccer league—something I’ve never done—meaning that I’ve never been recruited for anything nor have I ever played indoor. So far it’s been a blast, and it’s really raised the heartbeat to levels it hasn’t reached in a while. I’ve been able to revisit my days of goalkeeping, but I’ve also rotated all over the field. I even recorded my first goal last weekend, granted I was wide open and only five feet from the goal.

With spring coming, there are also kickball and softball seasons on the horizon. I haven’t even mentioned that I’ve been going to the gym every now and them, but it hasn’t been very frequently. I think my biceps are still 3″ in circumference.

Then there’s baseball season, which, to me, started today. I’m managing three fantasy teams and closely following two my favorite pro teams, the Dodgers and the Mariners. I also anticipate going to quite a few Portland Beavers games, and maybe even watching a couple of my cousin’s tee ball games.

For now I’m going to put my March Madness bracket in this group of distractions because I think I can still finish in the money since I picked three out of the final four and my winner (UCLA) and my runner-up (North Carolina) are still in it. That could mean a nice little payout for yours truly. If so, you can guarantee there’ll be a blog entry about it.

March 5, 2008

a pot of gold at the end of a reading rainbow

I’ve never been much of a reader, but the other day I went to Powell’s, and I actually bought a book without any recommendation or previous knowledge of it…an impluse buy. Sure, I had an encounter with a girl there, but that’s not something I should blog about, in the name of not being creepy.

Uggh, me, me, me. The book. It’s called Rock On: An Office Power Ballad by Dan Kennedy. He actually autographed this copy.

Anyway, it’s his story about landing a job in the music industry at a record label in NYC. It’s just an everyday story told in an everyday voice. I’m only 40 pages in, but so far this is why I like it:

1. The narrator/author used to be a copywriter in the ad industry.
2. He mentioned Oregon.
3. He mentioned Genesis, the band, not the bible thing.
4. He makes list.
5. He talks about giving women nicknames based on first impressions or encounters.

I laughed out loud when he mentioned something about people with glasses looking smart no matter what they’re doing, and I’ve totally been thinking about getting glasses.

March 2, 2008

Tennis Lookalikes

I always find myself comparing everyday people to celebrities, and usually I’m right on. So it should be no surprise that I’m fascinated with other people point out lookalikes.I’ve been compared to Finch from American Pie and Kevin Arnold (Fred Savage) from The Wonder Years. I’m so flattered…

I just saw this slideshow of Tennis stars and their lookalikes on the tennis community website Tennisopolis.

My favorite was Kim Clijsters being compared to Fiona from Shrek.